if you like me you must not know who I am
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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