Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm passing your future prison.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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