i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
