Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
