Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
