Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
