My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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