You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
