Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
