Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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