End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
