so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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