The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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