My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
