i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
