I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
