Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
