Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
