i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
