She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
