its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
