Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
