i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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