after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
