Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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