do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
