i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
