genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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