I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
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