Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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