Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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