i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
