I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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