the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
