captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
