I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
