well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
