Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
