HIV tests are more positive than that guy
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
