I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
