sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
