we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
