I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
