ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
