I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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