remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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