Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
pray to the hookup gods
Randomize
