I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
we're making bets on your personal life
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
