Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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