we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
